But by the grace of God I am who I am…

But by the grace of God…

If I’m honest, I am exhausted.

Not just physically.

The real exhaustion is deeper.

It’s mental and emotional.

The past two decades of life have been…well…life. Somewhat of a becoming, an unbecoming and then a becoming again (still in progress…I’ll let you know when we get there.)

If you ask me right now, I am still not real sure who I am or what I’ll be when I grow up. (Yes here is where you giggle.)

Everyday is full though.

Full of life (paint that picture how you want). Mainly full of schedules and things to complete, accomplish, get done, etc.

Full of people who need, want, demand and pull me in so many different directions.

Full of expectations, overwhelm and anxiety.

Some days though, some are full of laughter, love, stillness and peace.

Full of positivity.

Full of joy.

I love those days.

For some reason though, those “some days” get outnumbered too often by the full, heavy days. People apply the pressure.

Circumstances break you.

Those are the days I feel the weight and just want to throw in the towel.

The last two decades have tested me.

I’ve passed some and failed some.

Some days I felt like I wouldn’t make it.

Some days I felt like I’d conquered the world.

I’ve loved and lost.

I’ve tried and failed.

Gained friends. Lost some too.

Poured myself into so many things.

Emptied myself in so many ways.

Through it all, I’ve grown.

Slowly, (at times, painfully) but still growth.

And here, now, on this side of two full decades, I am exhausted.

At somewhat of a precipice.

Turning the page on what is behind.

Wondering what is next.

Where do we go from here?

I don’t even know if I have the energy to try and find out.

Looking back and reflecting, I genuinely gasp in awe. How in the world did I get here? How did I survive the journey? How will I continue?

But by the grace of God…

Only because of Him.

Only by Him.

Every single step.

Every challenge.

Every tear shed.

Every battle fought.

Every victory won.

Every chain broken.

Every single chapter written.

It was Him.

When I made good choices and followed His lead, He was there.

When I made bad choices and took a different road, He was there.

When I longed and searched for love, consistency, peace, guidance, resolution, forgiveness, fulfillment, purpose. He was there.

I have not survived the last two decades because of my own strength or on my own merit. Quite the contrary. My weakness has shown brightly on numerous occasions.

But by the grace of God.

I am what I am because of who He is.

He has been my strength in weakness. He has been the air in my lungs when I could no longer breathe on my own. He has covered me with His sheltering wings when I was under attack. He has taken the ashes of my life and brought beauty from them.

When I can’t, He can.

His grace is sufficient.

I’m exhausted.

But by the grace of God, I am still here.

I am what I am because He lives in me.

So for today, this is me, exhausted to the core. Wondering where He is leading. Hoping for some rest along the way. Praying for peace in the chaos, and if not, growth and understanding.

Knowing that I am who I am by the grace of God, chosen for His purpose and fulfilling that day by day. Decade by decade. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is. By the grace of God which was with me.

“But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.” 1 Corinthians 15:10